For anyone to say or wish that she or he would like to find a “first love” is quite unnecessary, if not inappropriate.
Often expressed with an anxious tone–as if not to have a special someone marks the person as an ugly duckling, a desperate loser among friends–excited kids new to the fleeting game of love blurt it out without a thought.
Seeming always in a hurry to find a cuddly cute one to call their own, they ignore altogether the caution and willingly embrace the stress, apprehension, and peer pressure that accompanied the search. All of which, bring the eye bags, pimples, skin rashes and acne, not to mention the resulting worry of concerned friends and those within the family.
But for young individuals who have already felt and savoured early the joy and intimacy of the emotion, finding, or securing another one, becomes the source of the anxiety–a love problem that leads to romantic daydreaming, frequent masturbation, lost of appetite, and lack of sleep.
Or worst, the redirection of the tension to compulsive eating behaviour, painful self-abuse, experimentation with alcoholic beverages, predilection to drug use, and unsafe sexual adventures, paid or otherwise. All common and natural things that stoked more serious personal and family problems later on.
Yet, only for the guilty to brag later among friends and everyone else, that he or she, finally found love–no matter how elusive and sticky–either the hard way or the messy way, and without guarantees, of course.
For what is first love but a tease of exuberant possession, of selfish and prideful ownership of someone’s heart?
First love answers a person’s strong intoxicating need for personal affection, a tug of sincere and honest sharing aching for truth and respect, and which, each of us at an early age have already nurtured in our private little “crushes”.
We have all been privileged to participate and experience the excitement of the moment–even though we do not understand or appreciate it yet. Yes, it is exciting to be in love!
And anyone who says he or she has not experienced it, one way or the other, is already dead…had forfeited her or his soul to destiny, and is only waiting to be buried soon, alive.
First love, they say, is the most memorable, unique, and unforgettable, that if one is honest and sincere with what was felt–it is the most precious, most cherished. Even if it does not always works out well in the end, most of the time.
But of course, the real thing–true love–is the one hardest to find later in our lives. Yet for some, it happens quite easy and fast like magic, sparkling in a fairy tale romance.
First love is not to be found, since it presents itself without warning: a sweet smile, an unexpected phone call, an invitation, a visitor, or a twist of timing where one bumps by accident with someone you do not know or expected to know.
My first love happened when I was only five, and I have included the moment in a romance novel I am challenged to write:
The sweetness of the memory would drop on him unexpected, light as rain.
It would be pleasant, vivid…pure. As distinct and clear as it happened during his childhood–even now, already in his advancing years. He is forty four.
Yet the joy never diminished, faltered. Tiny droplets of thoughts sprinkled through the years, melting in his eyes.
In his mind, he would see her again, with an eagerness filled of boyhood anticipation, of wonderment, a joyful disbelief of admiration mixed with the innocence of infatuation. Real things he would remember, would retain and recall often, after all the years.
For occasionally, it would dawn on him like the unexplained sprinkling from the heavens–a delicate moment of outpouring, reminiscing, absorbing–settling softly in his heart; a passion of sensual exuberance he had experience as a boy, silently awakening in his senses. It was a reality so vivid he knew he will not forget.
He saw her like a multicolored vision; a beautiful creation of a dream that materialized before his eyes, ambling in a casual stride as if in slow-motion, the fog of consciousness covering, enveloping everything all around them…He is in love; alone with her in a romantic wonderland.
Wrapped in a rainbow dress, colours glowing brilliant after the rain that highlight the whiteness of fair skin–soft, smooth, and delicate. Her fragile air intensified by the smallness of her waist, swaying gracefully as her skirt swirled in the wind, a style that accented well the promise of budding breasts below the round, sloping shoulders. She was beautiful in his eyes. Indeed, she looked at him, and he was devastated by the pounding of his heart.
Excerpts from “The Heart”, a novel started in 2004, and remained unfinished.
My first true love happened by accident: My cousin, after working in a school assignment, dropped by the house for some snacks and brought with her a girl classmate. And I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her at the door.
I promised myself I will marry her when time and circumstance allow. I had no doubt or felt fear she will not accept me, nor where there qualms about who she is.
I saw her, let them in, and we are already friends–as if I have known her from long ago or times past. The relationship lasted for two years. She went abroad to stay permanently with her family. I was seventeen, and the memory remained still vivid and clear, like our theme song, jolting me from the present to the past whenever I heard it played on the radio.
And since first love always happens in our youth, we are still careless, vibrant and care-free, often overwhelmed by the emotion of being special in the heart and mind of someone. Thus, we also have the tendency to lose it easily.
Yet, it is a lesson learned that will guide and shape our whole being when love comes knocking back at our hearts again. For there will always be a next time, whether we make an effort of it, or exert the least of efforts finding one.
Of course, there are more misses and losses in finding the real thing, since true love is as ephemeral as it is for real.
Thus, I believe it should not be a part of our worries, whether or not we have already experienced it, not unless we are bedridden or extremely ugly or incapacitated or in a comma not to have a chance of having one.
Yet, exquisite true-life love stories proved these claims were untrue, and not a hindrance at all. I may be exaggerating things, but my point is simple…Just let it happen, and grab it when the time comes.
And if you find sincerity, a serious truthfulness attached to the expression of an honest heart offered in the love, then hold on to it. Be extra careful not to break or shatter the bond of friendship, and allow it to mature and become a true love relationship.
For being in love, and finding one, is a wonderful privilege not to be taken for granted or ignored, and that which all of us must handle with extreme care and caution…Remember, he or she is special!
Let the universe flow, and as my Chinese friend in college once said: “Each one of us has someone waiting for us, only for us, even at the end of time, if not in this lifetime.”
(Dedicated with all my heart to my young blogging frheend with the beautiful, soulful eyes, whose heart starts and grows aflutter, now that she is seventeen. May you tell me about him…soon.)
Note: Pic was downloaded from random Google images.